Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay. Please spare a thought for those struggling with something not visible. The mind can be a scary place. Support one another, be conscious of how you treat others. You never know what that person is going through
Well 2 weeks before the UK went into lockdown I was at hospital having a camera inserted into my nose and had other tests. The diagnosis was Allergic Rhinitis, 2 months on I’m still waiting for test results to find out what it is I’m allergic too. However it could just be my fibromyalgia and the body is attacking itself. I have tried to chase up the results but the GP, hospital and NHS are understandably busy dealing the pandemic.
I’ve been in self isolation for almost a month now as all my medical conditions been I’m classed as a vulnerable person during this crisis. But the only trouble is all of the symptoms I get overlap with covid-19 symptoms, so I don’t know what is what. However one thing I can say is I feel terrible: physically, mentally and emotionally.
Social distancing is a very interesting thing at the moment. I’ve never been very social and social situations were very difficult for me with my autism but I’m finding that now everyone is social distancing its making parts of my life easier. I don’t have to try and make small talk or remember the correct social etiquette. I think neurotypical people (non Autism people) will find this a lot more challenging. For years I’ve been told to try and be more social to speak up and fight my corner, but now those rules have gone out the window and everyone is experiencing the world as a person who is introverted and doesn’t like social events.
As for the lockdown and having to stay inside, well that’s just been my normal life for 7 years. The outside world with my Autism, anxiety, depression and PTSD has been a scary place and its been better and easier for me to lock myself away and now the whole Country is doing it. People seem to forget that lockdown is their usual way of life. Hopefully now that the whole country has experienced it peoples attitudes will change, wishful thinking I know.
I struggle with recognising that I need help and struggle with asking for help. I have reached out to Bury Council, the government and mutual aid charities near me to get help with shopping and collecting medicines, so far everyone has said no. Even though I’m classed as vulnerable and self isolating people are refusing me help because I’m not elderly. I agree elderly people need and should get help but so should others. Everyone is trying to save lives and protect the NHS but by ignoring vulnerable people isn’t right, we have a lot of complicated medical conditions and would rather manage at home then put more strain on the health service. But at the time. Without help or coordination we are forced out to do shopping and collecting medications to make sure we stay alive and healthy, putting ourselves at risk and that could tax the health service later on. I struggle to ask for help, I’m very independent and I don’t want to cause trouble or make someone’s lives more difficult by asking them to do things. Even more so now that people are risking their lives to do it.
STAY HOME – PROTECT THE NHS – SAVE LIVES
Throughout my life, I’ve struggled to fit in. things people find easy, I dont and came up with numerous ways to fit it or ways to accomplish things. Despite this I’ve always been told I’m doing things wrong or someone would say “I wouldn’t have done it that way.” Nothing i have done has been good enough and honestly throughout my life I’ve felt a failure.
However since my autism diagnosis, my life and outlook on things has changed dramatically. Its difficult for me to accept that I’m different and that I am in fact disabled. Everything i have been through in my life and the way i react to things or the way i think, is different to everyone else. Thats a hard thing to get my head around. It wasn’t until my diagnosis that certain aspects of my life began to click in place. I’ve started to realise some of my reactions and feelings are autistic traits.
Because I’ve tried to fit in to the world around me and to be accepted by people I have learned to mask things. (Masking is a process in which an individual changes or “masks” their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse, and/or harassment). My counsellors and Doctor have agreed that masking is wrong and I should stop trying to conform to things and be my true self. This is where things are getting really difficult. I’m trying to be myself and just do things that i enjoy, however for me to do that i’m starting to ‘let go’ / forgetting to do things that would be classed as ‘normal.’ e.g. Energy bills or managing money that i really dont understand it and so am kind of ignoring it and hoping for the best, which i know isn’t the best plan. There are so many things that i still have to try to conform to and things that i have to do. Which goes against being myself and trying to bring down the ‘masks’ I’ve created.
How do i be myself and restart my life as an autistic adult if i cant let go of the image of a ‘normal’ adult i pretended to be. It really is a minefield and that’s before I even get onto my other health and learning Conditions.
Over the past couple of months i have been having numerous hospital appointments and then had an operation. It was to remove 4 teeth (3 wisdom teeth and one other tooth).
It seemed to be one disaster after another. Although the operation was successful it was not without drama, trauma or stress. They really did not seem to have a handle on how to deal with Autism at all and has left me having nightmares about it.
It all really started with a mix up with hospitals. I went to Fairfield Hospital to see the surgeon and have xrays done. I then had a further appointment for MRSA screening as part of the pre-op before the operation, I turned up at Fairfield hospital to be told the actual appointment was at North Manchester hospital. So this test was rearranged and i went to North Manchester Hospital, to have the test done and was given an operation date and letter saying the Operation would be done at Fairfield Hospital. It really didn’t help that all the letters came from Fairfield hospital, including the one for the appointment at North Manchester Hospital. All these appointments happened within weeks. Not very helpful and quite an information overload.
I received 2 letters in the post regarding the day of my Operation. The First one said I had to be at the hospital at 12 noon for an afternoon operation and the second letter arrived on saturday afternoon before my operation on the Tuesday (monday was a bank holiday) to say I had to be there at 7:30am for a morning operation. Due to the Time of arrival and the bank holiday i couldnt contact the booking department to find which time i was meant to be there for, so we took the 2nd letter as the most up to date and went to the hospital for a morning surgery.
I wasn’t allowed anything to eat or drink from 11pm the night before. We arrived at The hospital and checked in at 6:45am. The little waiting room was very hot and stuffy. The receptionist behind the desk was eating her Breakfast and drinking cups of tea in front of patients who were nil by mouth which I thought was quite mean. I was already quite nervous and anxious before arriving at hospital and at around 11am nothing had happened and was still sat in the waiting room. I went up to the receptionist to find out if they had forgotten about me and after she looked into it i was told i was not due to have my operation until later in the afternoon and apologised that no one had told me. During the time we had been there we had seen other people being called in and some already coming back from their operations. At around 11:45am i was on the verge of having a major panic attack as i had been trying to hold it all together since the night before. After discussing it with my partner i decided that i was no longer in a fit state and really didn’t want to have the operation that day, I had reached my limit. I wanted to cancel it and rearrange for another less stressful day. So i went to speak with the nurses and asked to cancel and rearrange, i was asked why and i had explained i had autism i’ve been waiting for almost 5 hours with nothing happening, hadn’t eaten or drunk anything in 12 hours and was starting to have a major panic attack. The nurses really didn’t want me to cancel and tried everything to get me to stay and said they would ask the surgeon if i could go next instead of having to wait until later. I really did feel rail-roaded into having the surgery done.
The surgeon agreed to change his schedule and I was then next in line for surgery. I met with nurse’s, the anaesthetist and the surgeon. I was asked multiple times about my current conditions and medications, which I explained about my autism, PTSD, anxiety and depression. I was then taken down to the operating theatre around 12:40pm.
While I was in theatre my partner was sat waiting in the waiting room, he received a phone call from North Manchester Hospital asking him where he is and could he come into hospital as there was a problem with my surgery. He explained he was sat in the waiting room of the day surgery unit, so they said they’d be down to collect him. Around 10 minutes later he gets a call back as they can’t find him and he explained he was by the reception desk of the day unit at Fairfield hospital. For some reason they were looking for him at North Manchester Hospital. The switchboard was at north Manchester so they had assumed the surgery was being done there.
Once the confusion had been cleared up, A staff nurse came and collected him and took him into the operating theatre where I was and he was horrified to see me being forcibly held down and me “fighting” to escape. There was nurses holding my arms and legs down and others trying to keep the oxygen mask over my face. He explained that i had autism and they needed to stop as they were doing to much at once. He also explained about my medication and my anxiety, depression and what i had been through that morning. They hadn’t been told any of this, despite me confirming it numerous times that day. I remember bits of this as I started to come round during the operation. Apparently I had a bad reaction to the anesthetic due to the medication I was on. So they had to bring me round during the operation in order to give me a different type of anesthetic. My partner was told verbally what anesthetic I had a bad reaction to and was told that in future operations I should not be given it, however this was written down.
The operation which should have only been half an hour turned into a 3 hour one, once done I was taken back to the day unit. Instead of being put onto the ward to recover with the other patients. I was put into my own room in order to come round in my own time. Everything seemed to change at that point, myself and partner were treated with ‘kid gloves’ lots of tea and extra biscuits. Everything done at my pace. They seemed to be falling over themselves to be helpful, it seemed like everyone knew something had gone wrong and were trying to make up for it.
After hours recovering I was discharged and sent home. It was days later, when the swelling had gone down that I could see there was a stitch in one of the wounds and a week later another stitch came out.
No one had told me I had stitches put in (how many, how long they’d last etc), I wasn’t told by any hospital staff what had happened in theatre or what anesthetic I need to avoid (hopefully this will be on medical notes). As I will need to make people aware of this in future. Now feeling left very let down, traumatized and have loss quite a bit of trust in hospital.
Throughout my treatment from my dentist, to the consultant, the pre op appointments and the morning of the surgery. I told everyone I was autistic and had other health issues, but it all seemed to be ignored on the day.
There are however 2 silver linings throughout this ordeal that I can take comfort in. Firstly, the painful and troublesome teeth have been removed and secondly, how my confidence has grown (through the help of life coaching) in order to stand up and say I wanted to cancel and rebook, despite being forced into it, previously I would never have stood up for myself in that way.
So all in all a disastrous hospital trip with NHS staff needing a lot more autism recognition and training. Being overwhelmed with information and dates at different hospitals and lasting nightmares about being held down and ignored however I will seek treatment for it and will give feed back to the hospital as no-one should have to endure what I was subjected to. It would be difficult for a normal person to deal with let alone someone on the autism spectrum.
After getting my formal diagnosis of Autism in 2018 I was referred for ‘Life Coaching’ in order to help with my confidence and to be able to have more understanding on how i see the world and to try and make sense of how my view is different to other peoples and to gain more understanding of how people react to it.
The Life coaching will be done in 10 sessions every 2 weeks. I’ve only had my first session and The life coaching is trying to get me set up on a proper routine. I’m finding it very tough and gruelling, to be honest I’m struggling. Everything is timed and planned out the day before, from appointments to bedtime and what time to wake up, right down to set times for brushing my teeth. Other than making me more tired and stressed out i’m not seeing any benefit or real reason for it.
Having autism, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (plus a number of other physical and mental health issues) I have always been told to do things at my own pace and when i’m ready. Trying to force myself to do things at set times is just making me depressed and when i dont complete a set task at the set time. I feel guilty and feel I’ve let not only myself down but the life coach and others to. I don’t know if i’m putting to much pressure on myself or its my autism and i’m being overwhelmed. Either way i’m struggling. Maybe its too much too soon.
Hopefully the next session will be able to tweak things and help me out about. I know the life coach said it would be hard and i’m willing to try and do it, but my body is protesting. Doesn’t help that i’m still doing Physiotherapy at the same time.
Been a long time since i did an update, mainly to be honest because I have been very overwhelmed. Have had appointments and hospital trips weekly.
Fibromyalgia – Been going to Fairfield general Hospital to their physiotherapy department to take part in ‘Pain Management Sessions’ has left me extremely sore and in lots of pain in places i didn’t know could hurt! I have been doing lots of different exercises, it is hoped that because my body is always in pain by doing these exercises it will help train my nerves and mind to recognise that I’m not doing any damage and there is no reason for them to send pain messages. it does seem very counter productive. Fibromyalgia causes widespread pain and doing exercise makes it worse, but hopefully it’ll improve my symptoms and pain levels in the long run, but right now i’d just settle for a single day without pain. I would say I used to be very active, but lately just doing the Washing up is killing me. all these exercises dont help with my Chronic Fatigue syndrome either. I feel like a zombie!
Autism – I have finally received my referral for ‘life coaching’ it is very early days but it looks promising although will be quite hard. It’s a 4 month programme and will hopefully improve my confidence and me learn new life skills that others take for granted. This will hopefully help me deal with situations and my autism without having a meltdown.
Mental Health – All the medical professionals that are trying to help me all agree that i still have Issues with the events of 2013 and that i did to work through that trauma. I Was referred to Bury Healthy minds for more counselling and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, however i have had to stop this while i go through the Life Coaching with the Autism team. As its felt that working on 2 types of therapy will not be helpful and could end up being confusing.
Surgery – I’m due to have surgery to have 3 wisdom teeth taken out. This will be in hospital under anaesthetic. Not looking forward to it, but will be good once done as it will stop some if not all of the dental pain i have and will hopefully stop any more infections.
So everythings a bit all over the place at the moment. It is affecting my depression and getting overwhelming but i’m trying to struggle through. Some days are better than others.
After years of complaining of pain and numerous trips to Hospital. I was referred to see the Rheumatology department at North Manchester Hospital. Saw a very nice Doctor who really didÂ know what he was doing and asked alot of in depth questions. It was amazing for someone to actually understand what I had been living with and going through for years.
Was poked, prodded and examined.
The Doctor has diagnosed me with the following:
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
He advised that all of these along with my Autism, Hyper-mobility and
psychological issues (Anxiety & Depression) are all intertwined.
They are Chronic conditions with no known cure. So is now a process of how to manage the symptoms.
I am being referred to Pain Clinic, Physiotherapy, Hydrotherapy and
Psychiatry. He will be writing to my GP to request that I go on sleeping
tablets and to increase the medication dosage that I’m currently on as
well. They took some blood for testing to cover the bases, but will notÂ need to go back and see that department again.
There was a student Doctor observing my appointment andÂ had apparently never seen someone whose joints where so bendy. So least I’m helping future generations of Doctor’s learn if nothing else!
It really is a genuine relief to get these conditions diagnosed and have someone to listen and understand. I had only been expecting a single diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, so to come away with 4 different conditions was not only a complete shock but also a validation of the fact that I really am not very well. I had thought that all the symptoms I had were normal and the pain I experience is what everyone else feels. It wasn’t until I had been diagnosed with Autism that I have begun to realise that it wasn’t normal.
Its strange having Autism and not feeling, experiencing and expressing myself as other people would. Its very hard to explain, what is normal for me is not normal for the wider community and vice versa.
I have tried to express myself and tried to tell people that things were ‘not quite right’ for years but I have either been bullied, fobbed off, taken advantage of or just plainly ignored. So to prevent myself from having to experience those again I just shut down, closed myself off and told people what they wanted to hear. However since my Autism diagnosis I have been learning to try and express myself better and this has led to these new conditions to be diagnosed to join my long list of other health issues. Now it’s a case of learning how to manage the symptoms and conditions.
Over the years I have learned to mask and hide things and to just keep pushing through them. Now that the health professionals are telling me that yes – what I am feeling and experiencing is real, and not to try and hide it or bottle it up. I worry that people will think that I’m making things out to be worse than they are because they weren’t an issue before.
It’s a lot not only for me to take in, but for my friends and family. At least we have some understanding of what is going on.
Well as anyone who knows me, will know that i’m not very well. Doctors seem to agree as I’ve received another diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.
The main symptoms of fibromyalgia are outlined below.
- an ache
- a burning sensation
- a sharp, stabbing pain
- trouble remembering and learning new things
- problems with attention and concentration
- slowed or confused speech
- dizzinessÂ and clumsiness
- feeling too hot or too coldÂ â€“Â this is because you’re notÂ able to regulate your body temperature properly
- restless legs syndromeÂ (an overwhelming urge to move your legs)
- tingling, numbness, prickling or burning sensations in your hands and feet (pins and needles, also known as paraesthesia)
In some cases, having the condition can lead to depression. This is because fibromyalgiaÂ can be difficult to deal with, and low levels of certain hormones associated with the condition can make you prone to developing depression.
I think my doctors now dreads asking for my medical notes. lol
I’m rediscovering the world and myself since my autism diagnosis. Learning a lot about Autism (still a lot to learn) and finding that lots of my little quirks are often ‘Symptoms’ of Autism. I think i made need to change the name of my blog, as its no longer a road to recovery. I had thought that I had nervous breakdown in 2013 and have been trying to get back to how i was before then. Since my diagnosis I’ve discovered that how i was being and reacting to a lot of things in life was me ‘masking’ or ‘camouflaging’.
I’ve always known that I see the world differently to others and previously when i have said things I’ve either been ridiculed or put down. So haven’t said anything for years and copied how other people react, but now I need to learn myself and the world all over again and to accept and allow myself to feel the way I do.
So Maybe it I should rename my blog “Rediscovering the world” or “Me and Autism”, “My autism journey”.
I should have my final autism assessment by July 2018. Which will make it a year and a half to fully, pin down the challenges and hardships I face, hopefully making things a bit easier.
I haven’t posted in a while cause to be honest i’m scared, confused and very lost. I’m still coming to terms with being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and what it means and what effects it’ll have on my life.
I’ve always felt that i’m a different and that something has been ‘wrong’ with me since childhood. But when ever I’ve approached the subject or spoken my mind I’ve been told that i’m being silly or just making things up. I’ve always been the weird one and the outcast, and I’ve tried to cope by pretending and trying to fit in and to ignore how I’ve felt and thought. However now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASD, i’m trying to accept how i feel and what i think is ok and to try and express that. But it makes me wonder who I am, as i have been pretending for a long time.
Most people who are diagnosed with as ASD are diagnosed when they are children. I’m 34 and have found that there is not a lot of help or support for autistic adults out there. majority of self help guides and support groups are for children and their parents. I Just dont know where to turn. There is a lot of other medical conditions which are linked with ASD and I have numerous symptoms and alarm bells are ringing, but when trying to express this to medical professionals they dont seem to care or understand. From everything i’m reading and learning it seems i’ll soon have a medical degree myself. lol
All of this is making my Anxiety and Depression worse.
Since my nervous breakdown in 2013, I have been visiting the GP, going to counselling and even had a number of unexpected trips to Hospital. They seem to be finding more and more things wrong with me. First it was anxiety, depression and PTSD. Then they discovered I was partially deaf and classed as hard of hearing, requiring me to have 2 hearing aids fitted. During my numerous counselling sessions it was suggested more than once that I might autistic.
Last week I was officially diagnosed as having ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I’m still trying to come to terms with it and what it all means. I am still awaiting the full report from the autism assessor and hopefully this will either answer some of my questions or put me in touch with people who can help answer them.
– Majority of Autistic people suffer from Anxiety and depression. So is how I’ve felt since 2013 part of my Autism Spectrum Disorder or are they in addition to it?
– Most autistic people are diagnosed when they are children, I’m in my mid thirties, apparently dyslexia is a common misdiagnosis of autism. I was diagnosed as dyslexic in 1998, so am I still dyslexic or has this been misdiagnosed?
– I have been reading and chatting to people who have been diagnosed with ASD later in life and they have said that their life changed and really began after their diagnosis. So will mine change and if so how?
– Are my physical disabilities part of ASD?
It is a big change and huge learning curve. For someone like me who isn’t always sure of his feelings to start with it’ll take time to adjust and time for it all to sink in. I’m relieved that they found something and it wasn’t me just going mad, but. at the same time I’m sad, scared and angry. Really is a jumble of all emotions. Apparently grief is an expected emotion after this diagnosis, but I’m not quite sure why, no one has died, I’m still the same person I was.
listed below are some things that are very familiar to me when I was looking through the autism website. I just thought everyone felt this way, didn’t realise it wasn’t normal.
Has difficulty getting to sleep as sensitive to the light.
May only hear sounds in one ear, the other ear having only partial hearing or none at all.
Noise can be magnified and sounds become distorted and muddled.
Inability to cut out sounds â€“ notably background noise, leading to difficulties concentrating.
Certain textures cause discomfort
Has a high pain threshold.
Enjoys heavy objects (eg weighted blankets) on top of them.
Touch can be painful and uncomfortable – people may not like to be touched and this can affect their relationships with others.
Dislikes having anything on hands or feet.
Difficulties brushing and washing hair because head is sensitive.
May find many food textures uncomfortable.
Only tolerates certain types of clothing or textures.
A need to rock, swing or spin to get some sensory input.
Difficulties with activities like sport, where we need to control our movements.
Difficulties stopping quickly or during an activity.
Difficulties with activities where the head is not upright or feet are off the grouâ€nd.
During a counselling session last week the Counsellor has admittedÂ that he is only able to help so far and has identified a number of things. We have been looking at things in depth and using mood diary’s to help. But a lot of the underlying issues we found are ingrained in my mind and cannot be changed, which is causing issues. He thinks I will probably be Diagnosed withÂ Asperger’sÂ Syndrome and he thinks getting the diagnosis will help, in my understanding and will open up other treatments more geared to help me.
I will still be seeing my Counsellor a couple of more times to help with anxiety symptoms and coping mechanisms but wont be a complete fix. Have chased up the Autism assessment and waiting to find out how long the waiting list is.
What are the Symptoms of Aspergerâ€™s Syndrome?
- Difficulty maintaining eye contact
- Difficulty managing social situations
- Unable to respond appropriately in verbal interactions
- Unable to decipher facial expressions or body language
- Unable to show emotions, may seem emotionally robotic
- May focus solely on their own needs
- Focus in on specific subjects they are interested in. Usually the topic is very literal.
- Resistant to change. May expect the same thing to occur day after day.
I’ve been continuing with my counselling and its been going quite well and we have been zeroing in on certain ideals/beliefs that i have grown up with and has been quite surprising in some of the “answers.”
I have always believed in the best of people, even if others have warned me about them or If I’ve heard something about their past, I can only see the good. Maybe they have changed, maybe it was just that once, or that it was the circumstances at the time. This has been my downfall numerous times.
I also expect to be treated badly by everyone, maybe this belief has just come from my past experiences, (abusive relationship, Bullying throughout school, disability discrimination, Homophobia), If i expect to be treated badly, then i can be prepared for it, if it doesn’t happen then that’s great. but this conflicts with seeing the good in everyone.
During counselling we established that I find that I unless I can do something to the same level as everyone else I feel that it is a failure. I do have disabilities both physical and mentally and I don’t believe personally that should affect how I preform. Everyone else can do, so would shouldn’t I? Yes it takes me a lot of extra work and is a lot harder for me to do things, but i don’t personally make allowances for it. If i do, then i find that i constantly have to prove myself, prove that i have difficulty, prove I have disabilities, prove that I have to work twice as hard and prove that I can do it. What some people find easy can be a very difficult and daunting challenge for me. Due to this I rarely find anything to be proud of or find something successful. Even if i did find something to be proud of, i don’t really show it as I think people will make fun or not see it as a particular accomplishment. So Physically and mentally, I know i’m not the same as everyone, but I Still hold myself to the same standards as everyone else.
So I can confirm my Mind is quite screwed up. It really is fighting itself in everything I do, as its trying to work out which belief is the right one. No wonder i suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.
Taking a break works wonders. The start of September was particularly difficult, I was very depression and struggling with a number of things. I had also restarted counselling with Bury Healthy Minds.
Took a weeks break and headed to London to visit family and this coincided with a number of Transport events and open days. We had a Trip on London’s Mail Rail, Visited Brooklands Museum and the London Bus Museum, this was followed by visiting the London Transports Acton Depot Open day. And the week was rounded off with a spectacular look behind the scenes of London’s Charring Cross Tube station with Hidden London.
Concorde at Brooklands Museum:
London Bus Museum:
Acton Depot Open Day:
Charring Cross, Hidden London:
Saw almost every type of transport imaginal. Am a huge bus and train enthusiast and these really were very special moments that really did make my year! Could have spent hours or days exploring these places more. So much to see. Had a very positive impact and really need cheer me up and get me out of my depressive episode I was in before.
Am now back in Manchester and working with counselling to hopefully improve things. We’ve had 3 sessions so far and have delved right into thoughts, my past and my beliefs. Its quite amazing how intertwined everything is and even my counsellor is realising that focusing on one particular thing wont work or really help. So i’m doing numerous Mood Dairy’s to record what i’m thinking and feeling during the times between the sessions to see if anything stands out. Feeling very positive so far and think my current counsellor is actually starting to understand what life is like for me. On-wards and upwards…
I feel am losing my grip on reality. I just don’t seem to know what is real or what i have dreamed / made up / imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling. I seem to have lost the ability to put things in chronological order / timescale. Things that happened weeks ago seem like yesterday and things that happened today/yesterday seem to be from weeks ago. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism or something else. Am getting confused with things that have actually happened and things that i have dreamt and imagined. I know i’m not losing my mind but my mind just seems to be a lot more jumbled than it normally is.
I Struggle with getting things done, always thinking I’ve got plenty of time to do it and then realising that i don’t. I’m stressed and worried because i feel like i have so much going on at the moment and in reality when sitting down and working it out, its not a lot 2 or 3 big things and there’s nothing i can do straight away its waiting for appointments or waiting for the correct time to arrive. When I was ‘well’ before my breakdown, i was working as well as coping with everything else and now i cant seem to 2 or 3 things. It is so depressing and humiliating. I know i’m unwell and not in great health but it just feels wrong and makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like a failure and i’m letting everyone and the world down. I didn’t ask to be Ill and don’t like asking for help, but know i’m struggling. It’s very difficult to ask for help as i don’t know what help is needed/required or what is available.
I’ve recently restarted counselling and this may be what has thrown me out of whack lately as we did talk about a number of different things in-depth. Its scary being scared of everything and talking about it as it really does make you think you, you are crazy.
On the flip side there has been some good things happening.
- Restarted counselling, I know its small steps and its working on one problem at a time, but anything is better than just stopping and doing nothing.
- Under going tests for Autism It’s not another thing I suffer from, but a solution or answer to why and how i react / think of things. And so far things are making a lot more sense in regards to this. Have only had one diagnosis session so far and the result was that i have autistic traits in all 4 areas.
Argh! Don’t know where to start or what to do for the best. I have so many different issues both physically and mentally that need addressing. I have noticed however all these issues overlap and interact with one another. The way the mental health team and the GP work is to focus on one issue at a time. Which in theory would be a good idea, but by doing this its causing different issues to get worse or has unintended consequences.
I have just finished an ‘Anxiety group Workshop’ course of treatment. To be honest I think it made things worse than it did in actually helping. It was good to find out and hear from others that they were experiencing the same anxiety symptoms as I was (although for different reasons) so I learnt that I wasn’t alone and that I shouldn’t be so scared of the symptoms of anxiety. But it did show how bad and deep my depression was, we had an exercise where we had to challenge ‘negative thoughts’ and turn them into positive ones. For example I’m nervous of going out of my flat. “Something bad will happen if I do” so we had to change it into a positive thought “something good will happen if I go out” but I found that although I could make up something and change it into a positive I didn’t actually believe it and just made me more depressed.
Things that need to be sorted:
Depression – Have had depression for around 15 years, It comes and goes but is always there. I was in an abusive relation for 6 years, in a job that i was constantly bullied in for 10 years. A lot of people have taken advantage of me and my good nature, which makes trusting new people difficult. Have struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality, and struggled with my disabilities – Dyslexia, Hearing loss,Â musculoskeletal issues, mental health issues. and often depressed about money. Feeling low increases my anxieties. I have been suicidal and don’t want to fall back into that.
PTSD – Still getting flashbacks and nightmares of the events in 2013. This increases my anxiety and depression.
Anxiety – Because i’m anxious all the time and have physical symptoms (sweating) and panic attacks means I often don’t go out, makes me feel guilty and stops me from doing the things i used to enjoy and this makes me depressed.
Health – Due toÂ musculoskeletal issues I’m constantly in pain, which makes my mood low, I tend not to go and get anxious that if i do go out i’ll be in pain or make it worse and i’m not in the right mental state to face surgery on it. I’m on 13 tablets a day, which i know is a lot and proves to me everyday that i’m unwell and increases my depression and my anxieties. I’m very conscious of my hearing aids and how people might react to it.
It’s only a brief description of the things i need sorting, because theirs lots more involved and i’m not comfortable sharing or bringing up everything at the moment, hopefully will give people an insight into how everything is interlocked and overlapping. So when your focusing on one single issue the other issues get worse, and its like taking one step forward and 2 steps back. GP wants to know how i want to move forward with my treatment and what i want to focus on, but i really don’t know as everything is connected. Nothing is worse than anything else, they are all as bad as each other. Ideally would need to work on all of them at the same time to slowly reduce the effects but the Health system doesn’t appear to be set up to accommodate that.
I cant seem to win or move forward with my recovery. People keep telling me that i’m doing well and they have seen improvements but whats happening in my head/mind doesn’t agree. I seem to have so many problems that its always playing catch up, sort one thing out and another rears its head. If its not anxiety, its depression or PTSD or Physical issues, not forgetting financial troubles.
For the past 2 weeks I have been attending an anxiety group workshop. It’s been difficult on so many levels, this week in particular as we have been focusing on Negative thoughts. This just seems to be making my depression darker/deeper. Which in turn is causing anxiety as i don’t want to end up like i was at the beginning of 2014 when i was suicidal. The current focus of the anxiety workshop is focusing on negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts. I’m really struggling to find any positive thoughts that i believe though. Which is making me feel depressed. The medication i take for my anxiety and depression doesn’t allow me to feel anything, it reduces or blocks my emotions, which i have mentioned to the GP and she’s happy for that to continue as she doesn’t want me to be depressed or suicidal again. I currently take 200mg of Sertraline which is the maximum dose. So if i did go back to the GP for a medication review, it would mean changing the medication i was and trying to find one which works again, which isn’t the best idea, i think as that too could increase my anxiety or depression.
I hate feeling like this, i wish i could feel something else. Just don’t know where to turn. I’m in therapy, i’m on medication i’m doing everything i can but just seem to be getting worse.
This Is The Place
A Poem by Tony Walsh
Manchester! This is the place in the North West of England
Itâ€™s ace, itâ€™s the best and the songs that we sing
From the stands, from our bands set the whole planet shaking
Our inventions are legends! Thereâ€™s nowt we canâ€™t make and
So we make brilliant music. We make brilliant bands
We make goals that make souls leap from seats in the stands
And we make things from steel and we make things from cotton
And we make people laugh, take the mick summat rotten
And we make you at home and we make you feel welcome
And we make summat happen, we canâ€™t seem to help it
And if youâ€™re looking for history then yes, weâ€™ve a wealth
But the Manchester way is to make it yourself
And make us a record, a new number one
And make us a brew while youâ€™re up, love. Go on!
And make us feel proud that youâ€™re winning the league
And make us sing louder and make us believe it
that this is the place that has helped shape the world
And that this the place where a Manchester girl
Name of Emmeline Pankhurst from the streets of Moss Side
Led a Suffragette City with sisterhood pride
And this is the place with appliance of science
Weâ€™re on it, atomic, we strut with defiance
In the face of a challenge we always stand tall
Mancunians in union delivered it all
Such as housing and libraries, and health, education
And unions and co-ops, the first railway station
So weâ€™re sorry! Bear with us! We invented commuters!
But we hope you forgive us â€“ we invented computers!
And this is the place Henry Royce strolled with Rolls
And weâ€™ve rocked and weâ€™ve rolled with our own Northern Soul
And so this is the place to do business, then dance
Where go-getters and goal setters know theyâ€™ve a chance
And this is the place where we first played as kids
And me Mam lived and died here, she loved it she did
And this is the place where our folks came to work
Where they struggled in puddles, they hurt in the dirt
And they built us a city. They built us these towns
And they coughed on the cobbles to the deafening sound
Of the steaming machines and the screaming of slaves
They were scheming for greatness, they dreamed to their graves
And they left us a spirit, they left us a vibe
That Mancunian Way to survive and to thrive
And to work and to build, to connect and create and
Greater Manchesterâ€™s greatness is keeping it great
And so this is the place now weâ€™ve kids of our own
Some are born here, some drawn here, but we all call it home
And theyâ€™ve covered the cobbles, but theyâ€™ll never defeat
All the dreamers and schemers who still teem through these streets
Because this is a place that has been through some hard times
Oppressions, recessions, depressions and dark times
But we keep fighting back with Greater Manchester spirit
Northern grit, northern wit in Greater Manchesterâ€™s lyrics
And thereâ€™s hard times again in these streets of our city
But we wonâ€™t take defeat and we donâ€™t want your pity
Because this a place where we stand strong together
With a smile on our face, Mancunians Forever
Because this is the place in our hearts, in our homes
Because this is the place thatâ€™s a part of our bones
Because Manchester gives us such strength from the fact
That this is the place. We should give something back.
Always remember. Never forget. Forever Manchester.
Feeling both physically and mentally drained. Its been a while since my last post, but this past month has been exhausting. I feel I’m just going through the motions.
I have completed my one on one counseling sessions with Bury Healthy Minds and am now on a waiting list for group anxiety therapy. Their will be 8 to 10 people in the group. Hopefully I will be able to cope with it and come out stronger than when I went in. During my one on one sessions with my counsellor she recommended that I had a blood test done by my GP and that I get referred for an Austism test ( GP agreed and just awaiting appointment). The results from the blood test came back and showed high levels of enzymes in the liver, so GP has referred me for an Ultrasound at the hospital.
Having an anxiety condition and suffering from depression I have difficulty waiting on things. Waiting on referrals or test results, gives time for my mind to race through the what ifs? Hopefully one day people won’t have to wait.
My counsellor, family and friends have all wanted me to reapply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment). I had been holding off on this as its so complicated and delves deep into thoughts and physical issues. I had already received and completed a medical questionnaire back in December for the DWP (department of works and pensions) and said I might be called for a health assessment. So wanted to get this out the way first. After 3 months I hadn’t heard anything so applied for the PIP.
My worst nightmare came true when I received both the PIP form and a letter asking for me to attend the health assessment, arrived on the same day. I’m so scared, its my illnesses and me being judged and vetted. I understand the need for them, but wish their where less intrusive ways, and better questions than “So why haven’t you killed yourself yet?” Being asked. I know in my mind its a standard question and why they ask it, but makes me feel insignificant, unwanted and makes me feel a burden and wasting peoples time.
I didn’t choose to have physical illnesses and didn’t choose to have mental illnesses but they way I have been treated wether intentionally or not, makes it feel like its my fault. Which then makes the depression deepen and the anxiety worse. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel like this but really is a poor way of handling things.
My GP has changed and increased my pain medication, is a lot better than the last one but doesn’t completely rid me of pain. As anyone who’s been in pain for a long time can understand it too leaves you feeling exhausted.
I really did think I was getting better at the start of the year but the past 2 months have shown me that although there might have been some improvement there is a long and hard road to recovery to go. That is indeed if I can recover. I know I won’t ever be the same again, but hopefully I will be able to wake up in the morning with enthusiasm and have a pain free day followed by restful nights sleep eventually.