2015 A Different Year???

Well everyone keeps saying 2015 is gonna be different, bigger and better than 2014. I Must admit I did have my fingers and toes crossed wishing that can be true. However the reality of it isn’t that easy easy. I Know were only twelve days into the year, but getting a sense of ‘Same Sh*t, different Year.’ Everything that i hoped and prayed would be left behind in 2014 has spread its dark fingers into 2015. And i gotta admit given me the new year blues. Hope can i start on a new year, new me (ha thats a joke) if everything keeps following me.

The Festive period was on the whole a good time. Feel again that i missed out on another Christmas. Not through anything in particular, just didn’t have the festive spirit as things were getting to stressful and anxious as the big day came near. Didn’t help that i collapsed at home on 16th December, BF had to call an ambulance. So another worry to add to my lists. Had a wonderful New Years, we went down to my Parents for a week. Had a lovely time lots of quizzes, games and laughs.

Since coming back though apart from the New Years Blues, I Just have no energy. Everything is a struggle, even just standing up sometimes. But hey ho, thats life it seems.  Certainly dont know what the powers at be are thinking but they certainly getting me to jump through hoops and test me beyond my limits.

On a more positive note, hopefully 2015 I can cross off some or at least one of the things on my ‘Bucket List.’

Well i started writing this when i was really down, very tired and in a lot of pain. But now feeling more positive and hopeful. But thinking its good to post the negative thoughts. As someone may see it and know that their not the only one feeling that way, also as a reminder to me on how bad i can see things sometimes.

 

Almost Christmas…

Well Quite a week I had last week, Went to see the GP on Monday as had been feeling rather low, kept having dizzy spells and had a sore throat. Doctor increased my medication and gave me an oral solutions for my throat. Turns out i had been brining stomach acid up during my anxiety/burping fits and had damaged my throat.

Tuesday i was not feeling great at all. Very dizzy and and very low on energy, managed to make it through most the day but then collapsed in the kitchen. Luckily was able to shout my partner before i fell who managed to catch me. He called 111 for advice and they sent out an ambulance. Very lovely and understanding ambulance crew. had loads of tests done and an ECG. But they think it was a combination of exhaustion, increase in medication and anxiety attack. Took me a while to get back up to full strength but getting there. Hopefully that’ll be enough of the excitement this year (fingers crossed).

Almost ready for Christmas, cant believe its only days away. Cant wait, am so excited. Unfortunately wont be going home to see family for Christmas but will see them for New Years.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Christmas

Feeling Overwhelmed..

Am Feeling so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Just feel like crying.

I Haven’t slept properly in over a week, When i wake up i’m in a highly anxious state. So Much trapped wind as stomach wont settle. Causing me to have burping fits, this is bringing up stomach acid and giving me a sore throat. I’m sweating profusely all the time.

Christmas is meant to be a happy joyous time and at the moment its totally stressing me out. I Wanna do so much and cant. I didn’t get to enjoy Christmas last year due to my breakdown and had hoped to make this year extra special to make up for it and all my plans are falling apart and i’m right near to the end of my tether of saying “F*ck it” and calling everything off as it’ll be easier and less stressful. The same feeling i had last year and i don’t wanna do it. Its the small things that are getting to me. Waiting on presents to arrive and worrying they wont arrive in time and Money worries.

Got a lot of things coming up which we have been working to, Complaint to Greater Manchester Police about the lack of duty of care and the events of last november. Waiting to here if i qualify for Concessionary Travel in manchester with my health issues. And trying to sort out plans for Christmas and New Year.

Its all small little things that are mounting up and cause a big issue.

Just don’t know where to go or what to do.

OverWhelmed

Anxious

Well we’ve gotten through the week we were dreading, a year on after Greater Manchester Police decided to turn our flat and lives upside down. I’m Still a mess, So Anxious all the time.

Loads of things coming up this month with the festive period think its getting to me. I so want to do everything i would normally do during the run up to Christmas and new year and i’m just not able to. I know i’m unwell and it’ll take time, but getting very frustrated with it all. Everyone wants to see me and i’d love to see everyone too, but gotta think of myself. If i can i will, if i cant i wont.

So anxious this week for some reason. Cant stop shaking and jumping at almost everything. Wish i could pin it down to one thing or another but i cant. I’ll continue to plod along, as i have been doing the past year.

Just wish the panic attacks would stop.

panic-button

Christmas is Coming!

Santa

 

Due to events and my Breakdown last November (2013), Christmas was a very muted event. Did not have the Christmas Spirit at all, and celebrations were very limited on my normal Christmas time festivities. Normally i’m counting down through out the year as Christmas is my favourite time of year, but this year I really couldn’t face or plan for Christmas. But now the clocks have gone back, and seeing the Christmas Stuff appearing in shops, My Christmas Spirit is coming back.

Certainly getting better, Little steps, but progress all the same! Am Starting to plan ahead too!

keepcalm