I’ve been continuing with my counselling and its been going quite well and we have been zeroing in on certain ideals/beliefs that i have grown up with and has been quite surprising in some of the “answers.”
I have always believed in the best of people, even if others have warned me about them or If I’ve heard something about their past, I can only see the good. Maybe they have changed, maybe it was just that once, or that it was the circumstances at the time. This has been my downfall numerous times.
I also expect to be treated badly by everyone, maybe this belief has just come from my past experiences, (abusive relationship, Bullying throughout school, disability discrimination, Homophobia), If i expect to be treated badly, then i can be prepared for it, if it doesn’t happen then that’s great. but this conflicts with seeing the good in everyone.
During counselling we established that I find that I unless I can do something to the same level as everyone else I feel that it is a failure. I do have disabilities both physical and mentally and I don’t believe personally that should affect how I preform. Everyone else can do, so would shouldn’t I? Yes it takes me a lot of extra work and is a lot harder for me to do things, but i don’t personally make allowances for it. If i do, then i find that i constantly have to prove myself, prove that i have difficulty, prove I have disabilities, prove that I have to work twice as hard and prove that I can do it. What some people find easy can be a very difficult and daunting challenge for me. Due to this I rarely find anything to be proud of or find something successful. Even if i did find something to be proud of, i don’t really show it as I think people will make fun or not see it as a particular accomplishment. So Physically and mentally, I know i’m not the same as everyone, but I Still hold myself to the same standards as everyone else.
So I can confirm my Mind is quite screwed up. It really is fighting itself in everything I do, as its trying to work out which belief is the right one. No wonder i suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.