No gain without pain

Been a long time since i did an update, mainly to be honest because I have been very overwhelmed. Have had appointments and hospital trips weekly.

Fibromyalgia – Been going to Fairfield general Hospital to their physiotherapy department to take part in ‘Pain Management Sessions’ has left me extremely sore and in lots of pain in places i didn’t know could hurt! I have been doing lots of different exercises, it is hoped that because my body is always in pain by doing these exercises it will help train my nerves and mind to recognise that I’m not doing any damage and there is no reason for them to send pain messages. it does seem very counter productive. Fibromyalgia causes widespread pain and doing exercise makes it worse, but hopefully it’ll improve my symptoms and pain levels in the long run, but right now i’d just settle for a single day without pain. I would say I used to be very active, but lately just doing the Washing up is killing me. all these exercises dont help with my Chronic Fatigue syndrome either. I feel like a zombie!

Autism – I have finally received my referral for ‘life coaching’ it is very early days but it looks promising although will be quite hard. It’s a 4 month programme and will hopefully improve my confidence and me learn new life skills that others take for granted. This will hopefully help me deal with situations and my autism without having a meltdown.

Mental Health – All the medical professionals that are trying to help me all agree that i still have Issues with the events of 2013 and that i did to work through that trauma. I Was referred to Bury Healthy minds for more counselling and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, however i have had to stop this while i go through the Life Coaching with the Autism team. As its felt that working on 2 types of therapy will not be helpful and could end up being confusing.

Surgery – I’m due to have surgery to have 3 wisdom teeth taken out. This will be in hospital under anaesthetic. Not looking forward to it, but will be good once done as it will stop some if not all of the dental pain i have and will hopefully stop any more infections.

So everythings a bit all over the place at the moment. It is affecting my depression and getting overwhelming but i’m trying to struggle through. Some days are better than others.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

I haven’t posted in a while cause to be honest i’m scared, confused and very lost. I’m still coming to terms with being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and what it means and what effects it’ll have on my life.

I’ve always felt that i’m a different and that something has been ‘wrong’ with me since childhood. But when ever I’ve approached the subject or spoken my mind I’ve been told that i’m being silly or just making things up. I’ve always been the weird one and the outcast, and I’ve tried to cope by pretending and trying to fit in and to ignore how I’ve felt and thought. However now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASD, i’m trying to accept how i feel and what i think is ok and to try and express that. But it makes me wonder who I am, as i have been pretending for a long time.

Most people who are diagnosed with as ASD are diagnosed when they are children. I’m 34 and have found that there is not a lot of help or support for autistic adults out there. majority of self help guides and support groups are for children and their parents. I Just dont know where to turn. There is a lot of other medical conditions which are linked with ASD and I have numerous symptoms and alarm bells are ringing, but when trying to express this to medical professionals they dont seem to care or understand. From everything i’m reading and learning it seems i’ll soon have a medical degree myself. lol

All of this is making my Anxiety and Depression worse.

Where to start?

Argh! Don’t know where to start or what to do for the best. I have so many different issues both physically and mentally that need addressing. I have noticed however all these issues overlap and interact with one another. The way the mental health team and the GP work is to focus on one issue at a time. Which in theory would be a good idea, but by doing this its causing different issues to get worse or has unintended consequences.

I have just finished an ‘Anxiety group Workshop’ course of treatment. To be honest I think it made things worse than it did in actually helping. It was good to find out and hear from others that they were experiencing the same anxiety symptoms as I was (although for different reasons) so I learnt that I wasn’t alone and that I shouldn’t be so scared of the symptoms of anxiety. But it did show how bad and deep my depression was, we had an exercise where we had to challenge ‘negative thoughts’ and turn them into positive ones. For example I’m nervous of going out of my flat. “Something bad will happen if I do” so we had to change it into a positive thought “something good will happen if I go out” but I found that although I could make up something and change it into a positive I didn’t actually believe it and just made me more depressed.

Things that need to be sorted:

Depression – Have had depression for around 15 years, It comes and goes but is always there. I was in an abusive relation for 6 years, in a job that i was constantly bullied in for 10 years. A lot of people have taken advantage of me and my good nature, which makes trusting new people difficult. Have struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality, and struggled with my disabilities – Dyslexia, Hearing loss, musculoskeletal issues, mental health issues. and often depressed about money. Feeling low increases my anxieties. I have been suicidal and don’t want to fall back into that.

PTSD – Still getting flashbacks and nightmares of the events in 2013. This increases my anxiety and depression.

Anxiety – Because i’m anxious all the time and have physical symptoms (sweating) and panic attacks means I often don’t go out, makes me feel guilty and stops me from doing the things i used to enjoy and this makes me depressed.

Health – Due to musculoskeletal issues I’m constantly in pain, which makes my mood low, I tend not to go and get anxious that if i do go out i’ll be in pain or make it worse and i’m not in the right mental state to face surgery on it. I’m on 13 tablets a day, which i know is a lot and proves to me everyday that i’m unwell and increases my depression and my anxieties. I’m very conscious of my hearing aids and how people might react to it.

It’s only a brief description of the things i need sorting, because theirs lots more involved and i’m not comfortable sharing or bringing up everything at the moment, hopefully will give people an insight into how everything is interlocked and overlapping. So when your focusing on one single issue the other issues get worse, and its like taking one step forward and 2 steps back. GP wants to know how i want to move forward with my treatment and what i want to focus on, but i really don’t know as everything is connected. Nothing is worse than anything else, they are all as bad as each other. Ideally would need to work on all of them at the same time to slowly reduce the effects but the Health system doesn’t appear to be set up to accommodate that.

Darkness of Depression

I cant seem to win or move forward with my recovery. People keep telling me that i’m doing well and they have seen improvements but whats happening in my head/mind doesn’t agree. I seem to have so many problems that its always playing catch up, sort one thing out and another rears its head. If its not anxiety, its depression or PTSD or Physical issues, not forgetting financial troubles.

For the past 2 weeks I have been attending an anxiety group workshop. It’s been difficult on so many levels, this week in particular as we have been focusing on Negative thoughts. This just seems to be making my depression darker/deeper. Which in turn is causing anxiety as i don’t want to end up like i was at the beginning of 2014 when i was suicidal. The current focus of the anxiety workshop is focusing on negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts. I’m really struggling to find any positive thoughts that i believe though. Which is making me feel depressed. The medication i take for my anxiety and depression doesn’t allow me to feel anything, it reduces or blocks my emotions, which i have mentioned to the GP and she’s happy for that to continue as she doesn’t want me to be depressed or suicidal again. I currently take 200mg of Sertraline which is the maximum dose. So if i did go back to the GP for a medication review, it would mean changing the medication i was and trying to find one which works again, which isn’t the best idea, i think as that too could increase my anxiety or depression.

I hate feeling like this, i wish i could feel something else. Just don’t know where to turn. I’m in therapy, i’m on medication i’m doing everything i can but just seem to be getting worse.

Anxiety is Building Up

Anxiety is building up and can feel i’m struggling / fighting off a panic attack. I’ve had a lovely few days with my parents who came to visit and i’m quite proud of myself i pushed myself a lot and survived big crowds and lots of decision making. Even though it was family i am very socially tired. Its kind of hard to explain, but when you’ve been active and been in a high anxious state for a while, you need a number of days to relax and chill out to get your anxiety and stress levels down. Something that i think has definitely improved compared to a couple of years ago, but does leave you feeling both mentally and physically drained.

I’m very worried/scared/anxious about getting the new Hearing aids. Have had a hearing aid for my right ear for just over a year now. And now I will be getting one for the left ear as well. After getting my first hearing aid, i realized how much i had been missing and felt so guilty and angry at myself for not realizing it earlier. I don’t know If having 2 hearing aids will make the alot of difference or not to what i can hear, hopefully will, but nervous about it all the same. Then there’s the interaction with the hearing aids and the TV, Telephone and mobile phone. Will i then need adaptations to use these? (TV Loop System, Special hearing aid compatible phones). Its a lot of unknowns and i know there’s nothing i can do about it until i get the hearing aids fitted, but i’m still panicking over it anyway. There’s a part of me that’s exciting about it, i know how much a difference my first hearing made.

Then as we go into April, benefits are reviewed and changed. Monthly payments for bills (Gas, Elec, Water) Have been changed as well. I wont know whats happening or whats going out and what if anything i’ll be left with after. I hate talking money and fiances and really dislike change. Again I know there’s nothing i can do right here and now, but i’m panicking about it.

I So which there was a simple switch to turn off my emotions, I really do hate feeling this way and still feel so very guilty that I’m mentally unwell. I always expect the worst, that way its a surprise if things are better than imagined, (Will need to talk about this to my counselor and see if we can do anything to work on it, it might come down to confidence issues again).

I Have looked into a number of disability pages and grants and to be honest its all very confusing and don’t really know where to start. Most of them you need an assessment or need to contact the charity/company directly, but when your scared of everything and really don’t like meeting people or talking on the telephone it leaves you a bit lost.

Time to Talk Day 2017

time-to-talk-day-timetotalk

About Time to Talk Day

 Conversations about mental health change lives.

At the moment, too many people with mental health problems are made to feel isolated, ashamed and worthless by other people’s reactions.But talking about mental health doesn’t need to be difficult. It can be as simple as making time to have a cup of tea or go for a walk, and listening to someone talk about how they feel.

Being open about mental health and ready to listen can make a positive difference to someone’s life.

“It’s #timetotalk because if you say something, you realise how many people around you haven’t, and needed to”

This is what Time to Talk Day is all about – giving us all the chance to talk and listen about mental health.

Whatever the hour, every conversation, every text, every share means more people are reached and more lives are changed.

To find out more click here

It’s OK to be Me

It's ok to be differnt..

Well I’ve had 2 sessions of counselling so far in my current round of treatment. A number of things have come up that i’m currently working through.

I’ve got to encourage myself and teach myself “Its OK to be Me”

I’m a very sensitive person and take almost everything to heart, during counselling we worked out that rather than being myself. I’ve tried to please everyone and change who i am to fit in with other peoples perceptions of how i should be. This isn’t helpful or healthy. This is a very difficult post to write as it covers some of my most sensitive vulnerabilities, so apologies if i ramble on.

Appearance

This is a big one, I have never been comfortable with my appearance for numerous reasons. My hair when it grows long starts to curl and as a child i was teased a lot about it. Didn’t matter if i tried to gel it or style it, it always ended up curling. Always been told people would love to have curly hair, but for me I hate it. So much so now that its just easier and less stressful to shave it all off and have a skinhead. My clothes and style have also been an issue, what i find comfortable or stylish the majority of people wouldn’t be seen dead in it. This did results in sometimes being called names and some clothes were never worn again because of it. I have three very large scars on my knee after having a full knee reconstruction in 2011. I feel humiliated and ashamed that they are there and tend not to show them off. So Don’t wear shorts and always have my legs covered up. Nothings has happened or be said to me about my scars, but when i have gone out in shorts (very rare) I always feel that people are starring and talking behind my back about it. My Weight and body shape is always a concern for me. My weight tends to fluctuate depending on my health, and again I’m just not comfortable in myself.

its-okay-home-page-banner

 Asking for Help

I don’t like asking for help, it makes me feel humiliated and ashamed. I Feel its a sign of failure asking for help or accepting help. Having numerous physical, mental and learning difficulties, i often have to ask for help in my life. It upsets me that i see other people who are able to do things without help, wish I didn’t need help, but i know i do.

Health

I’m not clumsy, i’m not accident prone, but if anything can happen it will to me. I broke my leg rolling over in bed. I Was hit by a truck while walking on the pavement. I Just seem to go from one medical disaster to another. It affects my life so much, from social activities to work. It is so embarrassing letting my friends and family know that I’ve been injured or am unwell yet again. It has become a running joke “Only You.” Having both long term physical issues and mental issues, symptoms tend to get crossed and confused. After a nasty fall in which i fractured my skull, i lost my hearing in my right ear. But i didn’t know until 3 years later after a different test for dizzy spells showed it. So i really don’t know what is physical or mental anymore.

feel-different-web

Dyslexia

I Have always had issues with my reading and writing from Primary school to now. It means i’m not as quick as everyone else and do need extra help in almost everything. A lot of people don’t understand Dyslexia and don’t understand that each dyslexic person has unique challenges, there isn’t a fix or and aid that is suitable for everyone. A lot of people see Dyslexia as an excuse and that your just lazy or cant be bothered. But believe me I’m not. I try so hard, I feel sometimes i work much harder than others but get the same results and that extra work is never praised. Unfortunately its a disability that people try to hide and find ways to avoid it.

Tiredness

Since 2013 i have felt extremely exhausted both physically and exhausted. I struggle to get a good nights sleep and also with all the symptoms like Panic attacks, anxiety, burping fits, sweating fits my body is working overtime to keep up. I have dark circles and bags under my eyes, which must make me look awful. I do try and push myself to keep awake and to get certain things done. But this runs me down and leaves me more exhausted. Taking naps during the day doesn’t really help, as still so much to do.

Again apologies if i Rambled, but hopefully, friends and family might understand a bit better, if they know how i feel and think inside. I’ve got to come to terms with all of these and just say “It’s OK to be Me”

3aed3bd5945569c0a148c295ef9db646

A Positive Start to 2017

Had a difficult but good chat with my new counselor this morning during my telephone assessment. She really did listen and wasn’t just focused on the events of 2013 but my life as a whole.

She agreed that I need to talk things through, rather than have CBT therapy to fix my symptoms, as CBT doesn’t get to the root causes of my issues. As I tend to bottle things up we will be doing Psycho-dynamic Therapy.

(The aim of psycho-dynamic therapy is to bring the unconscious mind into consciousness – helping individuals to unravel, experiences and understand their true, deep-rooted feelings in order to resolve them). Wont be quick fix, we are talking 6 months plus.

But feeling positive and a lot of what she said to me, made sense and I Start the face to face sessions next week.

Therapy.. All Change

Well after another counselling session and explaining about my nightmares and being angry. The Counselor was very Good, listened, understand and made made changes. So Its all stop on therapy that I’ve been doing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation Therapy (PMRT). We have decided to stop this as its causing unwanted and unintentional side effects.

We are now trying a new approach, humanistic therapies, which focus on self-development in the ‘here and now’ rather than the events of the past. Apparently, my mind and body are ‘stuck’ in the past, reliving the events of 2013. So we are now going to try and retrain my mind to force it into ‘reality’ and not the scary, dark places of my mind. Not sure how this will work, counselor says it will take a long time and that it’ll be very difficult. But always knew it was a long road. As much as i wish for a quick fix, it wont happen.

I Have had quite a week, of unexpected things happen which I think I have handle well. Fireworks and Bonfire night (5th November) and anxiety certainly do not mix. Although I was anxious and quite jumpy i didn’t have a full blown panic attack which I expected to have. I have Contacted my GP to ask for additional support and for details to be put on thier systems under the Accessible Healthcare process. Have also chanced up a number of other things that have been causing me concern, so in all a positive week.

Stop the Stigma of Mental Illness..

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

We have all heard this expression as kids.  While this may have seemed like a great tactic to use on the playground in self-defense, words actually CAN and DO hurt.  And the pain caused from them often lingers long past the healing time of any cut or broken bone.  Some words can cause pain that may never go away, or create an “invisible” scar that one carries around their entire life.  The memory of painful words can lead to a lifetime of anxiety, stress, anger, resentment, and fear, among other feelings.

stigma

  1. Get over it: It’s so easy to say these words when you are frustrated or “fed up.” Someone who ruminates or harps on the same things over and over can truly affect your own mental health. Someone who, for example, is severely depressed and continually speaks to you about a depressing situation, can make you feel depressed. Your thoughts may be “please get over it!” It’s perfectly fine to have your thoughts, but be mindful with what you say. It’s really easy to come across as uncaring, even if you don’t mean to be.
  2. You are not the only one: This statement can be said in the heat of the moment during an argument or period of frustration. This statement is often used by some people as an attempt to encourage another individual to get motivated to do something. For example, you may feel as if the person suffering is using their condition as an excuse to avoid doing things such as seeking employment, keeping a job long-term, or doing household chores. I’ve often heard this statement made from some parents to teens who are struggling with depression and tends to avoid doing homework or stays isolated in their bedroom.
  3. Don’t use this as an excuse: It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by a person’s condition and begin to think “they are using this as an excuse to avoid their responsibilities.” Be careful because this doesn’t have to be the case.
  4. You aren’t trying: When a client is told that they are not trying, they are likely to not try at all. This is called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” A self-fulfilling prophecy is a type of phenomenon that occurs when someone is either told something that they begin to believe as true or when the individual himself begins to tell his own mind something that is eventually believed to be true. For example, a teacher can tell a child “you will never pass this test with your behavior” and although the child is very intelligent, they can actually begin to believe what the teacher has said and unintentionally underperform. We must be careful how we word things and how we express concerns. Some individuals with mental health conditions are truly trying, trying to the best of their ability. To say “you aren’t trying” can come across as judgmental, arrogant, and uncaring. It’s certainly okay, however, to share your concerns with the individual and ask them how much they feel they are actually trying.
  5. You can’t be like this forever: Sadly, I have heard many parents say to their adolescent child that “you cannot remain this depressed forever because you have to get into college.” This placed an insurmountable amount of stress on the individual and even led to worsening depression. Some individuals will recover very quickly with the right amount of medication and therapy while others may suffer for years. Making this statement will likely lead the person to feel inadequate.
  6. Get out more: Again, you don’t want to come across as judgmental or as uncaring. To tell someone suffering from a mental illness to “get out more” makes it sound as if you think the person is either strange or too isolated. You want to be careful how you share your concerns of the person’s isolation.
  7. You are lazy: Some individuals with mental health challenges can come across as “lazy,” especially those who struggle with depression or severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia. But it is important to keep in mind just how ill the person is before you make such statements. Laziness is a “character flaw” not a symptom of an illness. A person who is appearing to lack motivation is probably going through a mental or emotion struggle of some kind. You don’t want to make them feel bad for struggling with an illness. The most important thing to keep in mind is that if the person could see themselves or help themselves, they probably would.
  8. Do not assume you know how the individual feels. Even if you’ve gone through the same situations, or have the same disorder, everyone is different and handles these things differently.
  9. You are just being a brat: Some children and teens who are struggling with behavioral problems or mental health challenges are often unable to control their own emotions and behaviors. It is not very helpful for the child or his or her self-esteem to make statements such as “you are being a brat right now” or “just grow up, you are so annoying.” These statements can, again, be judgmental and confrontational. However, we all know that children push limits and boundaries. We also know that parents get tired and frustrated. But does this make calling the child a name (i.e., “brat”) helpful? Does it contribute to escalating everyone’s emotions? Does it cause the child or teen to see themselves negatively? Does it make the child or teen feel unloved or misunderstood? If so, I encourage you to avoid using such terminology.
  10. You are so sick: I have had the unfortunate experience of hearing some parents or guardians call their child “sick.” It’s a word that paints the individual as “strange,” “weird,” or “crazy.” It does not help the individual understand themselves and it does not truly convey the frustrated person’s emotions. It only serves the purpose of condemning and hurting the other person.

think

Starting Treatment

Well I’ve started having treatment through Healthy minds Bury. Only had one session so far.

Since my Breakdown in 2013 I’ve been asking and asking my GP and any mental health workers I come into contact with. Asking and sometimes pleading to have someone to talk to, someone i can discuss what happened, what i was feeling at the time, but no-one seems to want to listen to me. Everyone seems to want me to do CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy). In order to help treat and manage my anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms. Which in time would help. however i cant shift the feeling that i cant work on controlling my symptoms until I understand whats causing it. I cannot go forward until i go back.

Healthy Minds Bury are doing a CBT treatment course with me. And i’ll be honest i’m not sure. I’ll give it a go and back it 100% but its not what i asked for and kinda think the problems will continue afterwards. I’ll only be getting six sessions, lasting 30 minutes each every 2 weeks. I Know the NHS is stretched and Mental Health services are not that well funded, but do think this is a little poor. People like myself who have “imploded” and have numerous issues are kind of stuck. You can only focus on one thing at a time, then you have to have a pause after the sessions have finished to give time for what you’ve learnt to sink in and for you to adjust, before you can start the next issue.

With the amount of issues i’m currently facing, its difficult to establish which symptoms i’m having is physical or mental health related, this is how i found out i had badly damaged my hearing. With so many different symptoms some of which overlap its difficult to try and focus on one particular issue.

It’s taken me almost 3 years to get some help and this is only one step. A very long road ahead.

 

Starting to move forward again

Well things are starting to move forward again, after grinding to a halt.

I Have received my appointment for the Orthotics Department, Was referred to them back in January 2016 and was told of a 9-13 month waiting list, but its come through after 6 months months so hopefully will be able to help. Although i am meant to be doing physiotherapy along side this, but that still up in the air between the mental health team and the physio departments.

After speaking with my GP and saying i didn’t think that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was right for me at this time. I was referred to the Healthy Minds team in Bury. And Have an assessment next week with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner. Hopefully will be able to get someone for me to talk through things, as thats what i think i need and have been trying to get since 2013 without success.

Also Purchased a new pill box for myself:

pillbox

As I Take 6 pills of different medication daily (42 a week, 168 a Month!) I kept getting confused with which ones I had or hadn’t taken that day. Put now can just have a quick look and i’ll know. Also saves lots of space as don’t have big boxes stacked on each other anymore.

All Small Things, but all positive.

Asking for help

After speaking with family down in London, Went to GP and told her that I didn’t think CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) Was right for me at this time, I needed someone I could talk through my thoughts and feelings with. So I Have been referred to ‘Healthy Minds Bury’, so will see what comes of that. Also mentioned that i’m having mood swings and that my mood is normally a bit flat / nonchalant mood. So have had my medication increased. (6 pills daily now).

Been going regularly to Bolton Hospital since January for the dizzy spells I’ve been having, from when I fell and hit my head. Although they found that i had damaged and lost my some of my hearing, Reason why i know wear a hearing aid, but it seems that the dizzy spells i have been having are a symptom of anxiety, but GP didn’t want to do anything else as that’ll be for the Healthy Minds team and medication to help control.

So fingers crossed, hopefully be able to move forward again.

Going round in circles….

Well haven’t done an update for a while. Mainly cause i’m stuck in loop and going round in circles.

Feeling a little lost to be honest.

Circles Signpost

I need help with my state of mind and mental health, however the mental health team cant help as I have physical issues with my knees. So was referred to Physio and started going weekly to the Hospital. Until i had a major panic attack during a session. The physiotherapist doesn’t want to continue until my mental health is better, but the mental health team wont help until my physical issues are sorted. So catch 22! The GP is trying to intervene as she agrees that i shouldn’t be doing physiotherapy in the state i’m in. As the exercises get my heart beating fasting with starts panic attacks.

Have been trying to occupy myself and learn new skills. Been having fun Creating paper models over 140 made so far, running out of space.lol  ( Photos: Ferris Wheel and Space Shuttle Models):

Ferris Wheel Shuttle

Have also invested in some loom bands and have been attempting these as well, managed to make a snake and a number of bracelets.

loom

More Health issues to fight!

Been to the Musculoskeletal Clinic at the hospital.

Feeling very sore after having my knee poked, prodded, pulled and stretched. My knee cap isn’t fitting in the groove of the knee joint. My Calfs muscles are not in control so are not puling the knee cap into place. I have flat feet and they twist outwards so this is rotating the knee and pulling the knee cap out of position. All of this is causing the pain and the crunching noise is the knee cap scrapping across the bones. as is being pulled and pushed in wrong directions.

Had 2 options available:
(1) Surgery, to cut some of the bone away in the knee and make the groove where the knee cap should sit larger. Would be done before christmas!
(2) Physiotherapy to strengthen and get back more control of my calve muscles. Also be referred to Podiatry to address the flat feet and my feet rotating outwards.

Due to current Mental issues we decided major surgery wasn’t really helpful. so going with option (2) Physiotherapy starts next thursday and been referred to Podiatry (currently 2 month waiting list) So long painful time to come.

Physical Illness Vs Mental Illness

Mental Illness rules my life, whether i want it to or not. However I have been suffering alot of physical issues too. I never know it its part of my mental illness, or side effects of medication. Everytime i’ve gone to see the GP, my mental health has been my priority cause of the state i’m in. I have let things slide, they were only small issues that i could ignore as they weren’t a major issue. But now i got to the stage that they have all built up and now causing bigger issues.

I have also been afraid to speak to the GP about it as, i keep feeling it’ll just be boxed off as ‘Mental’ issues, but after speaking with my Doctor it turns out there was some serious issues:
– Got a fungal infection on my foot so been given some Daktacort Ointment to help clear it
– Had ringing in my ears since my collapse in 2013 when i knocked myself out. GP’s gonna refer me to the hospital to see an ENT specialist.
– Got 3 moles , 2 on my forehead and one on my side that have started to grow lumps. Doctors not worried so been booked in for minor surgery to have these removed. No date as yet
– Also having lot of pain in my knees and my reconstructed one ‘crunches’ when i bend it. So going back next week to GP for a full exam and so she can go through the x-rays from the hospital.

So hopefully well get some things sorted.

Advice, Assistance, Directions…

instructions-directions-advice-assistance-four-way-intersectio-words-road-signs-intersection-to-help-you-find-42614989

I don’t know what to do for the best…

When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.

I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).

I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.

There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!

 

NHS Failing Mental Health sufferers

I was referred for Cognitive behavioural Therapy back in January 2015, i’m still waiting been told it wont be until November or december till i’m seen. This means it will have 14 months since my last therapy and its just not helpful. The progress and steps forward i feel i made in 2014 has been undone.

Went to the GP this morning, and was told after 2 Years since my breakdown in 2013, there’s nothing more they can do for me. I have to sort it out myself.  Its a mental health issue and I’m the only one who can resolve it, i have to change the way i think and start improving.

Doesn’t really work like that, What does she think i’ve been doing for the past 2 years? clearly i’m struggling and not getting better fast and need help and assistance. Not to be told Sorry your on your own.

 

Struggling to be heard….

Its so difficult to be heard when and believed when you have mental health issues. Really is shocking and horrible the way people treat me. I always tell the truth and never been in trouble, yet as soon as people hear that you have Mental Health issues they write you off. They tell you ‘the way it is’ and ‘what happened’ and don’t believe you no matter how many times you tell.

I have no trust, faith or respect for Greater Manchester Police . They really our poor when it comes to the duty of care of people and with people who have Mental health problems. Since a young age i’ve always respected the police and believed they were there to help. In fact they did help when I was the victim of domestic abuse and during that time i couldn’t fault them. I’ve always tried to be a good person and reported anything suspicious to the police and called in when i’ve witnessed accidents or crimes. But now after the treatment i’ve received i’ve lost all faith in them and thing they are only there to cause issues for people. They were a safety net like all emergency services but now thats gone. I try to avoid anything to do with police now. They really have ground me down and there attempts to put things right only made things worse and they never believe my version on events. Its now to your on medication or your not thinking right. I am scared to leave the flat or go to events that i used to enjoy incase there are police there. As i now know they don’t need evidence or anything to ruin peoples lives. I’ll never forgive or forget they way they made be think my Partner had been killed, how can any human being do that to someone.

Its not just the police that its hard to get through to. So medical professionals are the same they just write you off, number of times i’ve come back from seeing the Doctors in tears and thinking i’m about to be carted off to the nut house. It’s very difficult to get your voice heard.

Sometimes i just want to scream and make a scene just to be heard.

2015 A Different Year???

Well everyone keeps saying 2015 is gonna be different, bigger and better than 2014. I Must admit I did have my fingers and toes crossed wishing that can be true. However the reality of it isn’t that easy easy. I Know were only twelve days into the year, but getting a sense of ‘Same Sh*t, different Year.’ Everything that i hoped and prayed would be left behind in 2014 has spread its dark fingers into 2015. And i gotta admit given me the new year blues. Hope can i start on a new year, new me (ha thats a joke) if everything keeps following me.

The Festive period was on the whole a good time. Feel again that i missed out on another Christmas. Not through anything in particular, just didn’t have the festive spirit as things were getting to stressful and anxious as the big day came near. Didn’t help that i collapsed at home on 16th December, BF had to call an ambulance. So another worry to add to my lists. Had a wonderful New Years, we went down to my Parents for a week. Had a lovely time lots of quizzes, games and laughs.

Since coming back though apart from the New Years Blues, I Just have no energy. Everything is a struggle, even just standing up sometimes. But hey ho, thats life it seems.  Certainly dont know what the powers at be are thinking but they certainly getting me to jump through hoops and test me beyond my limits.

On a more positive note, hopefully 2015 I can cross off some or at least one of the things on my ‘Bucket List.’

Well i started writing this when i was really down, very tired and in a lot of pain. But now feeling more positive and hopeful. But thinking its good to post the negative thoughts. As someone may see it and know that their not the only one feeling that way, also as a reminder to me on how bad i can see things sometimes.