I wake up most morning normally with a jump/start and so the day beings. Every morning starts with physical symptoms, a racing heart and shakiness. The shakiness has calmed down a lot since November, but still affects my life in a massive way. The GP Has put me on Beta Blockers to slow my heart down so I’m not in such a panic state all the time, and although it does have a large affect it it is still very noticeable.
I’m so scared of what the future may hold. my life was turned upside down by Greater Manchester Police, through no fault of my own. If i had done something i could understand it, but i didn’t and nothing can stop it happening again. So scared of going out, every where i go now i always purchase something along the way so i have receipts i.e. a paper trail, to follow so people cant say i was some where else. This is not a nice way to live.
After getting up and checking each room in the flat (just to make sure no one is there) i have my morning brew and my cocktail of medicines, all prescribed by the GP. It’ll normally take me a couple of hours for me to calm down and stop panicking after waking up before I’m able to do anything productive. On really bad days I’m just pacing the flat back and fourth, if the fight or flight response is too difficult to ignore. Then i will go for a morning walk around the block, Mainly to check that there are no Police around (a fall out from November again).
Once I’m calmer and more in a stable state of mind then i can get up and do things, not massive things everyday things like washing and cleaning. At the moment I’m only really going out the flat either for a walk to calm me down (which doesn’t stray to far from the flat), or I’m going to GP, Hospital, or Counseling appointments. All the fun stuff i used to do like go shopping, Going out with Mike on the Bike, or going to Transport Festivals. I no longer do in case i meet a police officer, i don’t know how I’d react. I’d have a panic attack and either run away, causing the officer to chase, or the officer would have to deal with my panic attacks calling paramedics and probably causing more stress. Hopefully next couple of weeks I’ll try and get to the Bury Transport Museum or Manchester’s Transport Museum. Used to love both of them. But depends on my state of mind and current financials (living on benefits is not as easy as people make out, but that’s for another blog maybe).
Most days is me trying to find things to take my mind of things, e.g. Baking cakes, Puzzles or computer games and of course my Blog (hello there my dear readers 🙂 ). Other days after waking up i don’t feel i can keep myself safe, in a sense that I’ll lash out at something or go do something silly, So I’ll just stay in bed and try and sleep cause tomorrow has to be better. Mike by other half is brilliant on these days always keeping me engaged and keeping an eye on me. [whohit]Waking-up-with-anxiety-disorder[/whohit]